The Final Fantasy VII Talent Show
"Hello and welcome to the FF7 talent show! I'm your host, Squall, and this is my co-host, Rinoa."
"Thanks baby, nice to be here in sunny Costa del Sol for the first annual FF7 talent show! These talented performers are going to set the stage on fire tonight, not literally, but they are going to wow you with their amazing abilities."
"That's right, Rinoa, and here's our first performer now, the very talented, Cloud Strife!"
Cloud walks on stage with a bag, and sets it down. Bowing to the audience, he opens the bag, and pulls out a handful of balloons, and starts to blow them up, and makes a balloon animal!
"Will you look at that! A, uh, well, whatever Red XIII is." Squall says
Cloud starts again, folding a more intricate one this time.
"Wow Squall, a Proud Clod!" Rinoa announces
Once again Cloud reaches into his bag, and starts to blow up the balloons, he twists and twists, and holds up his creation. "Jenova Party-Time!" he states with pride, and then pops it with his hair.
"Wow, that was an incredible first act Rinoa, how are they going to follow that up?!" Squall says in his horrible announcing voice.
"Squall, I've just got word that our special correspondent, Selphie Tilmitt, is standing by with Cloud." Rinoa says
"Rinoa I'm here with the leader of Avalanche, Cloud Strife, Cloud, how do you feel about your performance tonight?" Selphie asked.
"Huh? Well, good, can I say good? Hey, can we edit this later if I screw up?" Cloud asked.
"We're live." Selphie says
"@$#$ ok, well, I felt I did a helluva job out there, and hopefully gave the fans what they want." Cloud says
"Thank you very much Cloud, and by the way, which one of the lovely FF7 ladies are you going to support in winning this talent show?" Selphie asks
"Uh, n-no comment." Cloud mumbles, and runs off.
"Back to you, Squall." Selphie ends.
"Thank you Selphie, we now go to special correspondent Zell Dincht who is standing by with our next act, Barret Wallace."
"Mr. Wallace, I understand your daughter is in the stands tonight.." Zell says
"Yeah, foo, what's wrong wit dat?!" Barret yells.
"Uh, nothing, nothing at all. What will you be doing for us today?" He asks
"I be doing impressions, foo, like the one I'm gonna make in your head if ya don't get dat microphone out ma face!" Barret storms off.
"Back to you, Squall." Zell says, relieved.
"Mmmpppf!! Rinoa! Not now!" Squall mumbles, as Rinoa is kissing him.
"What? Oh, we're back, now to the next act, Barret Wallace with his impressions." Rinoa says, wiping her lips.
"Dis one is Reno." Barret says. He turns around, tries to mess up his hair, turns around, and in a horrible impersonation of Reno, says, "Hey, somebody git me a beer!"
"Uh, okayyyyyyy." Rinoa says
"Thank you, thank you. Dis next one is Cid Highwind!" Barret says. A spear whizzes by his head and imbeds itself in the side of the stage.
"Okay, maybe I'll skip dat one." Barret says wisely. "In dat case, I'm gonna do my impression of Sephiroth!" Barret turns around, and puts on a silver wig, and grabs a broomstick. He turns around, and in, again, a horrible impersonation of Sephiroth's voice, says, "Mommy, help me, Avalanche just kicked my @#$$! Thank you, thank you."
"Somebody make it stop!!!" Squall moans.
Cloud runs on stage and grabs Barret, dragging him off to the cheers of the audience.
"Next up, Cid Highwind's amazing music stylings. Oh lord." Rinoa says
"This oughta be painful." Squall says, taking a swig of whiskey and passing the bottle to Rinoa, who chugs for about a minute before handing it back.
Cid comes on stage with a piano. He bows to the crowd, lights another cigarette, and sits down at the piano. After finishing his cigarette, he hits a few notes on the piano, and begins to do the worse rendition of Britney Spears' "Hit Me Baby One More Time" you've ever heard, and that includes the time she sang it!
"Somebody help meeeeeee!" Rinoa shrieked, trying to rip the headphones off her ears. The camera cuts backstage, where Yuffie is dancing around to the song, loving every minute of it. "He sings almost as good as me!" she beams.
"You've got to be kidding me!" Quistis Trepe, who had been waiting to interview Yuffie before here performance, moans.
"So you gonna interview me, or what?" Yuffie asks.
Quistis sighs, picks up her microphone, and starts, "I'm here with Yuffie Kisaragi, who is enjoying herself extremely well, waiting for her chance to show us her talent. What are you going to be doing for us today, Yuffie?"
"Well, I'm gonna do some jokes, Quisty." Yuffie giggles.
"That's Quistis, and don't forget it." The blonde girl growls.
Meanwhile, every guy in the place, including Squall, who was being hit by Rinoa because of it, was staring at the stage, where Tifa Lockheart was showing off her talent, gymnastics, in a very, very tight fitting leotard. Rinoa finally got Squall's attention by punching him in the stomach, and said, "And once again, Tifa resorts to skimpy clothes to get attention."
"Got my attention!" Squall groaned from where he was gasping on the floor, getting another kick from Rinoa.
"And next up, we have a flower arrangement portion by Aeris Gainsborough. Wait a minute, didn't she die?!" Rinoa said incredulously.
"I came back." Aeris said, rolling her eyes.
After Aeris' incredibly boring flower arrangement portion, Sephiroth fell from the ceiling, and killed her, then escaped.
"Best talent I've seen all day." Cid said.
"Yep." Was all Rude said, waiting for his turn, he was doing ballet.
Yuffie made her way to the stage, dressed like Groucho Marx, complete with the mustache and cigar. "What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elefino! (That's hell-if-I-know) The audience roared with laughter. "Anyone have a chocobo with a bad attitude? I mean, take my chocobo, PLEASE!" More laughter for the old joke. "Two men walk into a bar, third guy ducks!" "Two priests and a rabbi walk into a bar, bartender asks, what, is this some kindofa joke?" The audience is rolling by now, and Yuffie winds back to deliver her Limit Break Joke Attack. "A man walks into a Psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap, the doctor says, 'I can clearly see your(you're) nuts.' Thank you, good night everybody!" Yuffie ran off the stage to the back.
"Wonderful performance! Splendid!" Rinoa praised from the announcer's booth.
"Absolutely!" Squall chimed in, finally getting some feeling back in his limbs.
After a sickening display of ballet by Rude, and a less-than inspiring poetry reading by Reno, on "the Wonder that is Alcohol," it was time for Cait Sith and Red XIII, who were doing a joint act. "And now, it's time for: STUPID MOOGLE TRICKS!!!" they both announced together. Cait, now sitting on Red's shoulders, held a hoop that his moogle jumped through. Then he played dead, rolled over, and begged for a moogle treat. "Speak!" Cait commanded. The moogle stood up, put his hand on his chest like he was giving an important speech, and said, "Kupo!" The act ended with thunderous laughter and applause, and the trio beat it offstage.
"So far, this has been a splendid evening, ladies and gentlemoogles! Ha ha, I kill me." Squall joked.
"I just might." Rinoa growled at the bad joke.
"Uh, last but not least, we have Vincent Valentine, with his trick shooting extravaganza!" Squall announced.
Vincent came on stage, and drew his Death Penalty, and started to fire at assorted targets and objects, once even shooting the toupee off of a man's head. When finished, he bowed and walked off the stage, saying something about 'another sin to attone for' or something.
"And the votes have been tallied, we see that the winner of the first annual talent show is...Rude?!" Rinoa gasped.
"Shoulda never let Elena count the ballots." Squall groaned, slapping his head.